Within Darkness will there be light?

 "How I wish you didn't pursue study under me..." That one sentences hurt me so bad that the overthinking mode will think about it whenever it is turned on. It is so freaking hard for me to believe in myself continuously.  As it was uttered by someone that I RESPECT so much, it bring me down to the lowest level.  And I'm getting drown. Once, Twice, whenever I recalled those sentences. I thought of her as role model, someone I want to look up to, but I think I couldn't be the same with them. Never did I know there were levels that were set up.  So I was again broken, when I was informed and I think to myself, "Owhh... I was getting judged, if my level is same with them, then only will I be able to squeezed myself into their space.  Shit it hurts.

 How good would it feels..  To be able to live a life that I wanted. The moment that I desired... But it is just an unreal dream. That of course would not have the chance to be achieved. Leaving would be the best choice, no need to think much. I am so drained. Dont have the will to do anything. Only living my days of doing nothing valuable. The thought of leaving still exist at the back of my mind. But not as frequent as before. Because I suppressed it deep inside by not acknowledging it. I kept myself in an unreal world. Unwilling to face the reality. Because it's gonna hurts so bad. 

 Owh voice in my head!! Please just shut up and Leave!! Leave me alone!! Why you keep on wanted me to be sad!!!!!? Please.... help me to stay sane instead. Owh voice of my head. How long have you been silent, that when you come, you throw everything at once?  I'm so sorry for the voice of myself. I wanted to talk so bad, but no one is ready to listen, no one would want to be on my side, So I just shut up and leave the voice at the back of my head Is that the reason?

 Every single day, the thought of leaving always comes and visit me. And I always try not to think too much about it. But I'm not strong enough.. Sometimes I fall. I fall hard. The world does not seem to be interesting anymore. I have no motivation to do what I suppose to do.. Corona hits the world. Allah takes many of His servants. But He let me be here.. Alive.. Whyy?? I really wanted to go meet Him.. The world is too hard. Too many expectations that people want me to live to.  I hate it so much. Please take me too yaa Allah...

 The life that I live its has been a journey.. the smile on my face, the sadness that I felt. The loneliness that cover my day. People always say, you need to be strong you need to pull yourself together and be amazing  and happy and positive and try your best. I did. Oh yes I did. I try my best to smile to fake my happiness although I felt dying inside To strive and be positive.  But no my dear no... My anxiety get hold on me. The voice of depression keep on whispering  telling me I'm a failure  A ball of burden That keep on rolling without destination and rolling on surrounding people Being a troublesome and bringing bad luck to people. It is hard to live my life. You should try sometime.